Pour Cost Calculator
The Reality Check
Finally figure out why your bar is hemorrhaging money faster than a trust fund kid in Vegas. Spoiler: It's probably Brad. It's always Brad. This calculator doesn't just do math—it assigns blame.
Find the Leak →
Muddling the mint...
The ones who serve them, anyway
Look, we built these tools because counting on your fingers behind the bar is only cute until you're $300 short at the end of the night. Whether you're calculating pour costs or figuring out how many drinks until that regular becomes your problem, we've got you covered. Because the only thing worse than a slow Tuesday is a slow Tuesday without proper inventory tracking.
Because "eyeballing it" isn't a business model
The Reality Check
Finally figure out why your bar is hemorrhaging money faster than a trust fund kid in Vegas. Spoiler: It's probably Brad. It's always Brad. This calculator doesn't just do math—it assigns blame.
Find the Leak →Prep Like You Mean It
Scale recipes from "just a taste" to "wedding from hell" without doing that thing where you multiply wrong and end up with a cambro of undrinkable swamp water. Your prep cook will thank you. Maybe.
Scale It Up →Kill Your Darlings
That cocktail you love that nobody orders? Yeah, it's gotta go. This tool tells you which drinks are paying your rent and which ones are just taking up real estate on your menu like that friend who won't leave after last call.
Face Reality →Where Did It All Go?
Track your booze like the FBI tracks... well, whatever they track these days. Know exactly who's stealing, what's evaporating, and why your Malort is somehow your best seller. (Seriously, what's wrong with your customers?)
Count Everything →Idiot-Proofing 101
Turn your green bartenders into slightly-less-green bartenders. Covers everything from "This is vodka" to "Why you can't free-pour Long Islands." Because teaching someone the difference between whiskey and whisky shouldn't require a PowerPoint.
Educate Them →Write It Down, Dummy
Professional recipe cards that even your drunkest bartender can follow at 2 AM. Big fonts, clear instructions, and yes, pictures for the particularly challenged. Laminate-ready because we know what happens to paper behind a bar.
Get Templates →Wear your pour decisions with pride
Your emotional support uniform
$28
Finally, a shirt that says what we're all thinking. Features a minimalist jigger design on the back because we're classy like that. Perfect for staff meetings, family dinners, or crying in the walk-in. Machine washable, unlike your life choices.
Let 'em know you're 86 proof
$6
Let everyone know you're 86 Proof certified. Pin it to your apron as a warning label, stick it on your bag so Karens know not to approach, or wear it to family gatherings to explain why you can't make their "simple" mojito. It's like a medical alert bracelet, but for your emotional unavailability and industry-induced cynicism. One look and people will understand why you flinch when someone says "surprise me!" and why you count in ounces at the dinner table.
All proceeds go toward our "Brad Rehabilitation Fund" and keeping this site running.
Free shipping on orders over $86 (you'll need 15 pins, but we believe in you)
Bulk orders for your entire staff? Email us. Misery loves company.
Our truth, whether you ordered it or not